i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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