I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
