I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
try to milk me bitch
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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