He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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