dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
