Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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