I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
