i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
