I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
i've created a new STD.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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