Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
