We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
