Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
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Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
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Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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