He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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