i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
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Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
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You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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