just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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