I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
he thought i was a dude.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
