He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
my liver is dry heaving
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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