I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
