Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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