I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
