I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize