The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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