Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
