They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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