That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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