he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
