I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
