could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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