Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
