Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
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his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
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Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs