Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.