I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said