T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
