im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
