Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
