Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize