the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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