I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
