May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I met the friendliest cop last night
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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