So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I think a kid would responsible me up
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm like, not good at living.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I love you. Go after that dick
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
