look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
