I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
