1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
