C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
