Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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