I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
