I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
