I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I could fuck to npr.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
