It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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