Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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