Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
