when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
someone owes me an orgasm
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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