I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
