Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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