I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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